noun. A coming into being; a beginning:
So this is how it all went down…
My Grandma Jo passes away and I take a last minute trip to Long Island to spend some time with my grandpa, dad, and other family…
I walk into my mother’s house and hug her for the first time in over a year.
“You’re pregnant.” She says after giving me a good look over.
I laugh and shake my head.
“Not this time mom.” A gentle reminder to my mom and myself that after five months of trying, I was not pregnant.
This was normal. It can take a while! I know this.
But I am not a patient person.
Blame it on being a Scorpio, being a native New Yorker, or my personality.
When it comes to things I am working toward, and something I have dreamed about my whole life – I’m just a tad impatient.
The trip goes surprisingly well. I see friends and get to spend time with my parents and siblings.
The entire time I am there I am eating everything and anything I can get my hands on.
Bacon, egg and cheese sandwiches, pizza, bagels, Chinese food.
All the good stuff.
I give insane amounts of insulin to cover all the goodies I am happily shoveling into my mouth.
My best friend Allie becomes suspicious. I try not to get excited. When the house is quiet I fall asleep on her couch delicately placing my hand on my stomach.
The night before I leave – as is the custom – my sister and I walk down the street to my favorite pizza place. The owner already knows I need a pie to go, folded in quarters so I can freeze it and fly it back to Oregon with me. While we are waiting, my eye spots a slice of what looks like the most amazing, delicious slice of buffalo chicken pizza I have ever seen. I order it and get Olivia a slice as well.
“I think your pregnant.”
I look across the table at my nineteen year old sister.
She has grown up so fast it blows my mind.
“Why would you say that?” I ask delicately.
She gestures to the pizza in front of me.
“You hate buffalo chicken pizza. The only time you ate it was when you were pregnant last time.”
My breath catches at the mention of the experience I shared with her long ago. A small detail I thought she would forget. I have always aimed to be honest with her, and when she was old enough I shared with her the painful experience of a failed unplanned pregnancy I suffered through when I was twenty.
She had a point though. I looked down at the pizza and my mouth watered, my belly grumbled.
“Well it’s too soon to check but I will keep that in mind. Thanks for having my back.” I tell her.
She grins at me.
I have her take a photo of me eating the pizza and send it to my husband. Who immediately responds with:
“IS THAT BUFFALO CHICKEN PIZZA?’”
His excitement radiates through his text message. I can feel him buzzing from across the country.
Too soon to tell. Too soon to tell…
The moment Devon and I are alone that evening I notice he cannot stop smelling me.
“You smell different.” He says before bed.
“You always say that when I get back from New York.” I giggle, scratching his back.
“No this is different. I can’t explain it.”
I feel different. Something just feels weird. I can’t put my finger on it. Devon still swears that I smell different and as each day passes we become more and more suspicious. My period is due on Thursday. We check, and double check the expected period date. We check and double check the ovulation chart.
I feel no tell tale signs of PMS. In fact I am feeling pretty amazing. Still hungry. Ravenously hungry. But really amazing!
When I say ravenously hungry- I am serious.
I ate my cousins’ dinner while she was using the bathroom because the noodles smelled so delicious and my mouth would not stop watering. Imagine her shock when she comes out of the bathroom and I am crouched on the couch like Golum scarfing down her noodles. She looks shocked – then giggles.
I get embarrassed and start to cry.
“You need to take a pee test.”
Not yet. Too Soon. Not yet.
Devon is at work.
I am staring at the ovulation calendar again.
I need to relax.
I take a shower. When I get out I take a long look at myself in the mirror.
I swear my boobs are rounder than usual. And my hips… have they always looked like that?
I get dressed and look at the dog.
“Either I’m pregnant or there is something seriously wrong with me.”
Coat on. Grab my bag.
Speed walking to the Walgreen’s on the corner.
It’s not raining. And for once I am not freezing my ass off. I’m actually sweating.
Buy the pregnancy test. Two pack. Just in case. And a big bottle of water. This becomes my mantra as I walk.
Walking home I think of the other tests I’ve taken since November.
How each negative result seemed to be more sad that the one before that. ‘
To say I have been unkind to my body in the past is a gross understatement. Although I have worked for three years to heal and repair it – maybe there’s been some damage that just can’t be fixed?
I drink the water as I walk home and try to steady my thoughts. It’s gonna be fine. I’m gonna pee on this stick then just move on. Make some dinner for when Devon gets home and go to bed early. Maybe eat the rest of that chocolate cake in the fridge.
I pee on the stick and quickly leave the bathroom. I straighten up the living room, turn on the outside lights, and check my hair in the hallway mirror. The timer on my phone goes off.
As first I think I am seeing things. I blink and look again.
But there it is. Clear as day.
The positive sign.
“Oh my God.” I gasp. My hands begin to shake.
“NOVA!” I shout for my dog who comes into the bathroom rather concerned.
“We did it. Oh my God. We did it. I did it. We did it.” Over and over again.
I sink to my knees clutching the dog in my arms and the test in my hand.
Boots back on. Coat on. Running back to Walgreen’s.
How to tell Devon? I still have an hour before he gets home.
I am still shaking.
I find a red box with a ribbon. I pick out a cute card. The associate digs the only balloon he has from the back which just so happens to say GREAT JOB on it.
I giggle as I walk back home.
Change into something nicer than old pajamas. Put the test in the box and close it with the ribbon.
Attach the balloon. Place gifts in the middle of the living room.
Devon works forty mins away. Time seems to drag on forever. I make myself a cup of tea. I eat some chocolate cake. FINALLY he walks into the house.
Shaking, I hand him the box. He opens it.
“Are you serious?” He looks like he may go into shock.
“We did it.” I say.
“YOU did it” he beams at me with tears of job in his eyes and I have never seen him look so proud.
And that, my friends is how we found out we were expecting our precious Baby Moon.